DARIUS LOVES
Episode 1 - "Culture Clash"
Darius loves his wife…but at times it seems like they’re from two different cultures, which became even more evident during their recent house hunting journey.
***
Darius drove along crowded streets while Lisa sat quietly beside him in the passenger seat. It was uncharacteristic for Lisa to be so quiet. He sensed something heavy on her mind and glanced over at her wanting to make sure everything was okay.
“You good?” Darius asked, splitting his attention between Lisa and the road ahead.
“Yeah,” Lisa said halfheartedly, her attention focused outside watching the landscape become more rural. Like traveling back in time, the trees were more plentiful, the yards much bigger, the homes larger and older the further they travelled away from the city.
“Damn. I ain’t know it was this far,” said Darius. “You think it’s even any black people out here?”
“Of course, there’s black people out here,” Lisa said. “We’re everywhere now.”
“Well, I hope it ain’t too many, ‘cause I don’t want my property values going down.”
Lisa looked at Darius...she couldn’t believe what she heard him say. “Darius? How can you be so racist? And toward your own people no less?” she said.
“I ain’t racist. But I’m saying though, a house is a big investment. Ain’t nobody try’na to lose they equity ‘cause Sheniqua moves in across the street and brings Pookie and Ray-Ray with her. That shit lowers property values.”
“But you’re black, Darius. How can you say that? So, when you move into the neighborhood, does that mean you bring down everyone else’s property value?”
Darius thought a moment. “Uhh, ‘prolly,” Darius said. “Real estate is some racist-ass shit when you think about it.”
“No, you’re the one being racist,” Lisa said.
“Here. we. go. Now I’m gonna get a lecture in Critical Race Theory from a half-white girl.”
“Excuse me? I am a black woman,” Lisa said with emphasis.
“Yeah, but you’re also-“
“I identify as black,” Lisa said with finality.
Judging by the emotion in her voice, Darius figured it best not to push the issue. They drove along in silence for several minutes until Darius had a pressing thought. “Wait a minute. Does the realtor know we’re black?” Darius asked.
“I don’t know. It never came up,” said Lisa. “Does it matter?”
“Hell yeah, it matters. We gonna show up and he gonna be looking at us all crazy-“
“She,” said Lisa. “It’s a she.”
“Well, is she black?”
“I didn’t look her up. It was last minute. But when I spoke to her, she sounded older.”
“Older? Damn. We should have stayed with my cousin. He’s a dope ass realtor,” said Darius.
“Your cousin only showed us houses that fit your style instead of something that fits both our vibes,” said Lisa.
“Come on now. You know my cousin showed us some of them old grandma-looking houses you like”, said Darius.
“Slow down,” said Lisa. That’s the house right there on the corner.”
***
Darius and Lisa stood curbside staring up at an older Victorian-style home.
“Damn, that shit is old,” said Darius crumpling his face in disgust.
Lisa, on the other hand, was wide-eyed and optimistic. “It doesn’t look so bad,” she said. “It has character.”
“Girl, you trippin’,” said Darius. “The shit is all leaning.”
“Just the sides…a little bit,” said Lisa.
The old house was weather-beaten to say the least; a faded exterior the color of pale urine that was possibly bright white a long, long, very long time ago. The paint was chipped and peeling in several places. The second-floor windows looked like two sad droopy eyes, while the mangled wrap-around porch mimicked a mouth of rotted and missing teeth.
“Come on.” Lisa tugged a reluctant Darius along with her, walking quickly up the crumbling stone walkway.
“Watch out, Bae”, said Darius placing a cautionary hand on the small of Lisa’s back ready to grab around her waist in case she tripped. She was completely oblivious to the overgrown weeds growing up between cracks in the walkway. Her entire focus was on the shabby old house in front of her.
Lisa's imagination ran wild. ‘Could this be the one? Could their exhausting house search finally be over,’ Lisa thought. She stopped suddenly. Darius stumbled, not expecting her to stop so abruptly.
“Oh. My. God.,” Lisa said.
“What? What?!” said Darius, looking around for danger.
“This is exactly the kind of wrap-around porch I pictured us having.” Lisa raced up the rickety steps onto the porch.
“Yo wait,” said Darius, cautiously remaining down on the walkway.
Lisa moved quickly from one side of the porch to the other, as if trying to catch up with her imagination, which was two steps ahead of her. “I can see the swing over here, and a couple of chairs over there.”
Darius closely examined the porch steps before climbing up. He tested each step to make sure it would hold his weight, one by one the rickety steps creaked until Darius finally joined Lisa on the porch.
“This porch is perfect,” she said.
“Perfectly rotten,” said Darius.
“A little paint- “
“Bae, paint cain’t put the wood back. It’s rotted out.”
“If it was rotted, could we do this?” Lisa hopped up and down on the saggy porch.
“Yo, chill!” Darius scrambled toward the steps, about to run back down. “Stop playing.”
Lisa laughed. “Don’t be skerrd,” she said mockingly.
“Yo, who scared? I ain’t scared of nothing. You lucky you skinny, but what about when them big women in your family come to visit? And big momma? Whoof,” Darius said shaking his head.
“Darius.”
“What?? Somebody big ass gonna be up under this porch.”
“Darius.”
“I’m saying, though. We'll have to call the fire department and e’rything,” Darius said.
“You're killing my vibe, Darius,” Lisa said. "I'm tired of your big momma jokes. Yo’ moms ain't exactly slim."
“I’m just being real ‘wich you, from a purely mathematical, scientifical standpoint, if your momma steps up on this porch, her big ass is going straight through down to the depths of hell.”
Lisa was no longer listening. Instead, she focused on the inside, cupping her hands around her eyes and pressing her face against the front window to peek in.
“How it look?” asked Darius.
“Scary...As...Shit,” she said.
“Damn. See? I told you. Let’s be out,” said Darius.
“I’m playing, she said.” Lisa glanced at her watch. It read, ‘4:44’. “We still got some time.” Lisa moved quickly to the front door, which was still in relatively good shape. She slowly turned the knob, and the heavy door swung opened with a loud creak. “We can go in and look around before the realtor gets here.”
“Wait. I don’t think we should just be- “
Too late. Lisa had already stepped inside. “Oh. My. God....Darius!”
Darius burst inside the house behind Lisa. “What! What,” he said excitedly. In a single motion he pulled Lisa behind him and raised his fists ready to throw hands with…nobody.
“Calm down,” said Lisa. “I was talking about the floor. It’s marble, like I always wanted.”
“Damn, you gettin’ all excited over a floor?”
Lisa pulled Darius two steps back. They were in position to take in the grandness of the once great foyer. "Bam," Lisa said. Unlike the shabby outside, the inside was in better shape. The style and furnishings were dated but had a certain sturdy craftsmanship not found in newer homes. The stairway flowed gracefully up to the second floor. Lisa touched the ornate banister. Instantly she felt a connection to the many people who touched that very spot in years’ past. Her breath tightened. She whisked her fingers along the polished wood. ‘This was the house. This was...HER house,’ she thought.
Darius read Lisa’s face. His heart sank. He knew that look. She was falling in love. The more she looked around, the more she was enchanted with the old house. ‘Older homes meant constant work and fixing shit,’ Darius thought. He imagined an endless “honey-do” list Lisa would have for him; a thought so frightening it made Darius shiver. He was so repulsed by the idea; the shiver was accompanied by a slight chill despite it being a sweaty summer evening. Darius rubbed goosebumps on his arms. “Dang, it’s kind of drafty up in here,” he said.
Lisa barely heard him. She was already headed to the next room, hoping to find-
“The kitchen,” said Lisa as she stared in awe up at the high ceilings, her mind ablaze with possibilities. “It’s huge,” she said and then rushed over to look out the window over the sink. “Darius, come look.”
Darius joined her at the sink window. They gazed out at the overgrown backyard. It went on as far as they could see.
“I love a big yard,” said Lisa.
“That’s ‘cause your ass don’t have to take care of it,’ Darius thought. “It’s straight,” he said unaffected.
"And that view. It's..."
"...To die for," said a warm female voice from across the kitchen.
Startled, Darius and Lisa spun around to see an African American woman standing across from them near the kitchen entrance. The woman was older. She had wavy, salt and pepper hair pulled back in a bun with highish cheekbones dotted by freckles. She wore a paisley-patterned blue dress, pearl earrings with matching necklace. Darius felt sneezy as the woman's pungent, old lady perfume overtook him.
“Oh hi!, I’m Lisa and this is my husband, Darius. We came-”
“You all come to see the house,” said the woman. Her engaging smile put Lisa at ease.
“Yes. You must be Hazel,” said Lisa. “We spoke on the phone." Lisa moved toward the woman extending a handshake. The woman smiled warmly and nodded, 'yes'. Instead of shaking Lisa's hand Hazel quickly moved toward the far wall holding up a hand to highlight the fine cabinetry. "Oh, don't get too close, child," said Hazel. "I don't want you catching what I got. I been feeling lightheaded. Must have caught a cold," Hazel said.
"I heard there was a bug going around. Darius was sick too last week," Lisa said. "The door was open. I hope you don’t mind we let ourselves in.”
"So how you like the house so far?” Hazel asked.
“I absolutely love the front entrance," said Lisa. "And this kitchen is huge. It would be perfect for...”
"Y'all got chil'rens?" asked Hazel.
Lisa and Darius looked at each other as Hazel's question seemed awkwardly placed.
"Nah, not yet," said Darius. "But we definitely be working on it," he added with a grin.
"Take your time,” Hazel said. “Chil'ren ain’t nothing but noise and filth. They’ll mess up a good house like this.” Hazel took a moment to look Darius up and down, staring at him suspiciously. "Where your peoples from?"
“Georgia mostly...I think,” Darius said.
Hazel crumpled her nose in disgust. "Girl, you better keep an eye on this one. He got them geechie lines in his cheeks. You can't trust 'em.
"Geechie? I ain't..."
Lisa grabbed Darius' hand signaling him to stop talking.
Hazel stared approvingly at Lisa. "And you, you got that good hair...so pretty. Your family got a lot of cream in the coffee, Hazel said."
Darius started to laugh, “More like half and half-“
Lisa dug her sharp fingernails into the back of Darius’ hand to shut him up. "Can we see upstairs?" Lisa asked.
"You all go on ahead. Look everywhere you want. I'll be down here. Old lady like me can't be climbing all up and down those stairs," said Hazel.
"Don't worry. We won't get lost," Lisa said.
Lisa and Darius made their way to the front room and up the stairs to the second floor. Hazel watched their every move. Lisa could feel Hazel’s eyes following them as they went. Upon reaching the top of the stairs Lisa glanced back to wave at Hazel, but she wasn't there. Lisa thought for a moment. Her intuition was usually right about people eyeballing her, but she reasoned that Hazel was older and likely sat down to rest while they went upstairs.
After poking through four bedrooms, the only real argument Darius could come up with was that the house was old and outdated, which was a plus in Lisa's mind as it gave her an opportunity to fix up an older house, something she dreamed about ever since those house-flipping shows became popular. Darius hated the idea. He knew the two of them fixing up a house meant Lisa talking about her vision and Darius doing all the backbreaking work and having her never be satisfied. 'Hells to the no,' was the thought that kept running through his mind that he didn't dare speak aloud.
Darius was ready to head back downstairs, but it was like something called to Lisa and she was drawn into the single bathroom once more. She pulled a reluctant Darius along with her into the old, outdated bathroom with a faded black and white checkerboard floor and badly stained claw-foot tub.
“I love this tub,” said Lisa.
“That old ass shit?” said Darius. “That’s from back before they had running water. And those stains is older than us.”
The faded tub had been cleaned out but had permanent discoloration inside. Both Darius and Lisa felt uneasy as they imagined what type of dark liquid could have made the stains; ‘blood’ is what popped into both their minds. Lisa, being a touchy feely type, reached out and touched the edge of the tub. She quickly pulled her hand away as though it hurt.
“What’s wrong?” said Darius.
“Nothing. It’s just…this tub. It feels like...“
“Like somebody died in that piece,” said Darius. “Let’s be out.”
“No…It seems like someone was...born in there,” Lisa said.
“Girl, you trippin’,” said Darius. “You can't tell just by touching it. You better go head wit that.”
Lisa thought for a moment. She knew better than to try and explain certain things to Darius, especially stuff he would never understand. But one thing was certain more than before. This was destined to be her house, but also, she had to be careful never to share what she saw when she touched the tub, otherwise Darius would overreact and refuse to consider the house.
When Lisa and Darius returned to the Kitchen, Hazel was over by the sink looking out the window. Hazel turned to face them and hit them once again with her warm smile.
“So, what y’all think?” Hazel asked.
Lisa and Hazel smiled warmly at each other.
“Yeah, that tub kind’a old,” said Darius.
“They don’t make ‘em like that no more,” said Hazel. “Some things made to last a lifetime...even longer.”
“I ain't really feeling it," said Darius. "I like something more modern myself."
Lisa sighed in disgust. “What did we talk about?”
“What? I'm being open-minded. We hear ain't we?” Darius said rolling his eyes.
“I, love this house, and you're not even giving it a chance,” said Lisa.
Hazel nodded in agreement. “Good old houses like this has that special kind of feel. It gets all in your bones and makes you never want to leave,” she said.
“I don’t want just any house, Darius. I want our forever home.”
“Forever?” ‘For ever ever?—it means forever and that’s a mighty long time. But I’m here to tell you…,’Darius’ mind did a quick mash up of Outcast and Prince songs as he desperately searched his thoughts for any possible reason for the house to not be their forever home. “How come this house been on the market so long? It got a bad foundation? Needs new plumbing?” said Darius. “I know it needs a new porch, but something else gots to be wrong with it or somebody else would have been scooped it up by now.”
It was quiet. Lisa didn't have an immediate comeback. Even she had to admit Darius did have a point.
Hazel cleared her throat. Her warm expression turned to an icy piercing stare. “Well in the interest of being all open and honest with you, uh, this house does have certain..issues,” Hazel said. “Something with the energy—"
“See, I knew it. The electrical is shot,” said Darius. “And these those old plaster walls, you can’t just tear into it like drywall."
"Electric is fine," said Hazel. "I’m talking more...spiritual energy."
"Spiritual what?" said Darius as he looked at Lisa, eyes-wide as though Hazel was crazy.
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